How to Respond When You Feel Defensive
by Jean Costanza Miller, Ph.D.
Have you ever found yourself being “put on the defensive” at work? Responding in uncharacteristically snarky ways? Having others call you out for being overly sensitive or too defensive, whether you really felt that way or not? Your response might have been justified, or it might have been misinterpreted. I’ve had several coaching clients ask about managing this dynamic.
We need to stand up for ourselves. As leaders, we also need to stand up for our teams. The question is how we can do that while maintaining our sense of self, modeling strength, and forging collaborative relationships.
Analyze the Situation
First, think about the situation, and if possible, talk to a trusted colleague to check your perceptions. Are people making reasonable suggestions that you’re dismissing without consideration? Or are people unfairly diminishing your ideas, intentionally or not? Is there a particular situation, topic, or person that creates discomfort?
Name the Emotions
Second, name your emotions. You might feel hurt, frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, insulted, or all these plus others. Allow yourself to have feelings and consider how you’d like to transform them into something productive. What is revealed that might represent an opportunity for personal growth or renewed leadership?
Prevention
Third, consider ways to prevent the situation from happening again and ways to respond in the moment if it does:
Get on the agenda to give an update early in the meeting to head off what people might ask.
Send some documentation showing what you’ve done ahead of the meeting. When questions come up, you can refer to that documentation.
Paraphrase the question or comment or ask for clarification before responding. This tactic will show you’re listening, make the other person feel heard, and set you up to defend your ideas or your team in a way that will be perceived as thoughtful rather than as immediately defensive.
Name the situation. “I’ve been asked to defend our approach…” Slightly different from paraphrasing, this tactic shows that you are perceiving the question or comment as demanding a defense and sets you up to do just that.
How to handle these situations will depend on many factors, and there might not be a perfect response. Still, with some analysis of the dynamics, you can find ways to defend yourself and others from a place of strength and calm.
We’d love to hear your ideas for handling defensiveness-producing situations in the workplace. Please comment below or tag us when you share this on social media.
Want support for yourself or your team on how to maintain professionalism and effectively communicate during tough conversations? Looking for strategies to deliver constructive feedback to increase successful outcomes? Book a consultation to learn about our coaching engagements and training programs.
Photo credit for the knight image is Henry Hustava on Unsplash